Indie Love - Are You Player or Played?

In our sexy po-mo late night world of incredibly intense collective experiences (rock shows, elections) and a generally increasing ease about human sexuality, it can get hard to tell if your trail of broken hearts is a badge of honour, a symptom of the culture, or a sign that something in your relationship style has gone awry.

First, ask yourself if you want monogamy at all.

If the answer is yes, you’ll need to get the player out yer life, so here are some Player Behaviors to watch out for, not only in others, but in yourself too… just in case:

1. I’m having a bad day, let’s hook up.
2. I’m having the best day! Let’s hook up.
3. Let me tell you (or your friends) about some of the crazy places I’ve hooked up.
4. I can’t really tell if I like you yet, so let’s hook up!

In general, watch for a feeling of performance. The player is by definition playing, so if your date is putting on a good show, either of being Mr. Gregarious or Mr. Coolandchill, then you may have your Am I being PLayed? answer. Similarly, if you feel yourself ramping up into a sparklier sassier version of you, if your mouth is spouting not-quite-truths, if you are turning into some 2.0 You right before his/her eyes, then you my friend may be the one making a play.

The player is not inherently evil. The player might just need a period of fun that’s carefully detached from the wounds they aren’t ready to open yet. The player might just want someone to play with, and hey, if everybody is onboard, it’s Ok!

Or …. the player might be frequently played upon and unaware that there are other routes to love. The player might be accidentally protecting him or herself from exactly what s/he needs. If you find one of these, and you love them, hold them carefully in your arms and help them learn to tell the truth and do yer damndest not to get too hurt. And if you’re lucky, that player might decide to love you for life.

Or alternately, your player might be using you (however pleasantly) to fill the place left by their Soul Mate. This happened to me and I tells yah, the best decision I ever made was to tell him good luck with it. We broke up, they mucked about a bit, then finally figured it out, got married and took up farming. Point is, they found their love, I found mine.

I may be wrong of course, but my feeling is: don’t waste time in the way of anybody else’s love. Nobody wins when you play that game.