Indie Love - All night and in the AM

One thing that defines my relationship with my lover man over here, and that I think might be a characteristic of a thing called “Indie Love” (if such a thing exists) is that we keep really weird hours. We work for ourselves, from home, we set our own deadlines, so at different times we might be working crazy hard, on long stints; or alternately, recovering from these binges with workday afternoons of beers and ukulele’s in the park.

Sometimes it’s like we’re in different time zones - I wake up really early, stumble to my desk, and work hard ass until I need to eat, or nap, or chill. Sometimes I get back into bed for a nap before El gets up, and often he starts the major part of his work day after I go to bed. For our love to work, from the very beginning we needed to learn to adjust and accept each other’s rhythms. Recently we were talking about this again and I realized that I think this one thing is a cornerstone for strength of character in general, and the degree to which you work to be good at it can determine relationship success.

First thing to let go of, if you haven’t already, is any notion that your schedule is superior to anyone else’s. Come on. That’s never helpful.

Second thing is to keep mindful of the difference even when it’s inconvenient. I quickly had to become ok with the fact that I would be mostly going out at night without him. Inviting him out to see a band when he was just sitting down to work was frustrating for both of us, especially when I had pictures in my head of what couples normally are like. Forget normal! You didn’t get into this crazy indie biz thing in pursuit of the normal or predictable, did you? Embracing my nights out as my own gave me a jolt of independence that turned out to be very cool, and helpful on days where living and working together gets us irritable.

Third thing is just an extension of the first 2, but it’s important and worth saying over and again - being in a couple means you always work to find a way to treat your pardner right, even if it’s not the best time of day for you. This is where the strength of character thing comes in. You gotta go through some mental gymnastics to pull this off, starting with being self aware enough to realize that you are feeling/acting bitchy and that it’s because you are tired, or just woke up, or are hungry, and is not because of a swelling character defect in your lover that you never noticed until right now when they started to piss you off. Once you realize what’s going on with you, communicate it to your buddy, so they can sympathise and not just be bitter and wounded all day. Then 3 - start to suck it up, and be nice!

The more you do this the easier it gets, because you are building the muscle that makes character. This is worth doing not just in order to have a happy long term love, but also because it’ll see you through most of the conflicts you’ll encounter in your life. Most conflict in the world probably comes down to one side or the other not getting enough to eat, or being out of their element, or being unable to clearly communicate their perspective. And indie love will set us free. =)

ps- as I always tell me little sisters when I give them advice: please disregard all of this in favor of your own good sense!